The following is extracted from a cookie file I use to generate morning cookies for our customers each day when they start our software. The text is gleaned from a wide variety of sources, both on the Net and elsewhere.
- I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
- I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
- I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.
- Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people
were trapped on the escalators.
- I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got
a full house and four people died.
- I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms
from the statues that are in all the other museums.
- What's another word for Thesaurus?
- I like to skate on the other side of the ice ... I like to
reminisce with people I don't know ... I like to fill my
tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm
in a submarine that's been hit ... And when I get real
bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking
spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if
- When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I
had any firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?'
- I lost a button hole today.
- I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini
locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture
of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
- I met her at Macy's. She was shopping... I was putting
Slinky's on the escalator.
- When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the
backyard...... I was an only child........ eventually.....
- Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns
behind his ears... I think George is weird, because he has
false teeth... with braces on them. George is a radio
announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't
hear him talk.
- Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity
If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on
your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a
sweater real quick...
- Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He
got pretty good... He could go under a rug...
- All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above
me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady
across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a
pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the
vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store..."
- Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the
driving... every half mile... We had one cassette tape to
listen to on the entire trip........... I don't remember
what it was...
- Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
- He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of
his money? ...He designed the little diagrams that tell
which way to put batteries in...
- I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so
I had to buy them again...
- I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology...
the study of milkmen.
- One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my
car key in the door of my apartment building... I turned
it... and the whole building started up.... So I drove it
around.... A policeman stopped me for going to fast... He
said, 'Where do you live?'... I said, 'Right here'... Then
I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran
outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my
- If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
- I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said
'Stephen, why haven't you called me.... I said, "I can't
call everyone I want... my (new) phone has no 'five' on
it."... He said, "How long have you had it?"... I said, "I
don't know... my calendar has no 'seven's on it."
- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I
put them in the same room and let them fight it out...
- Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came
back the entire area was missing...
- For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no
place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left
it running... [slow glance upward]
- This is my impression of a bowling ball...[drags the mike
along the floor, then lifts it]...gutter...
- There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only
slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle
in the air...
- I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got
- Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID
that he just whipped out a quarter?
- The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on
the ledge.... Some people are afraid of heights. Not me.
I'm afraid of widths.
- The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can.
- I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in
after me...I pushed '1' and he just stood there...I said
'Hi, where you going?' He said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed
Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two
tumbleweeds blew in...we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked
at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to
hang around with.' We got into his car and drove out to his
shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said 'You get
it.' I picked it up and said 'Hello?'...the other side said
'Is this Steven Wright?'...I said 'Yes...' The guy said 'Hi,
I'm Mr Jones, the student loan director from your bank...It
seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the
university you attended said that they received none of the
$17,000 we loaned you...we would just like to know what
happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr Jones, I'll give it to
you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick,
and with it he built a nuclear weapon...and I would
appreciate it if you never called me again.
- My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his
birthmark til he was eight years old.
- I don't have to walk my dog any more. I walked him all at
once. He was fun when he was a puppy. I named him Stay.
When I'd call him I'd say C'mere Stay C'mere Stay and he'd
go like this..(FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF). He's a lot
smarter than that now. Now when I call him he just ignores
me and keeps on typing.
- Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
- I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
- I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started
reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question.
If you are in a spaceship that is travelling at the speed of
light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything
happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your
- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you
sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
- I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not
have been serious because I brought a beach towel.
- I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now
it looks like I'm the only one moving.
- I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a
new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'
- I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
- My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes
so later I can ask him what he meant.
- Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a
flash.... The neighbours thought it was lightning in my
house, so they called the cops.
- I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on
purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it
[moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it
clearly].........and says 'Here, you can go.'
- I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.
- I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.
- I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off
- I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left
earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
- I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy
- I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got
cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. I
was supposed to be 80 degrees today,' and I said 'Oops.'
- Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams
were broadcast all over the world.
- I went fishing with a dotted line....I caught every other
- I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
- In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms
above...so I never have to go upstairs.
- I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little
pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran
around in circles.
- I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came
back....boy, were they mad!
- I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an
evening in front of it in only eight minutes...
- Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said
'Hello?' and I said, 'Hello, could I speak to Joey?'...they
said, 'Uh...I don't think so...he's only 2 months old.' I
said, 'I'll wait...'
- Right now I'm having deja vu and amnesia at the same time.
- Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic, I mimic my
- I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl.
She looked at me and said 'Hey, you have two different
coloured socks on.' I said 'Yeah, I know, but to me they're
the same because I go by thickness.' ...
- ... Then she said, 'How do you feel?' And I said, 'Well,
you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go
so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last
instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the
- I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause
that means it's going to be up all night.
- I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says
"1 inch = 1 inch". I hardly ever unroll it.
- I'm writing an unauthorised autobiography.
- I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got
there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey,
the sign says you're open 24-hours." He said, "Yea, but not
in a row."
- My neighbour has a circular driveway...he can't get out.
- I was born by Ceasarian Section ... but not so you'd
notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out
through the window.
- A friend of mine sent me a postcard with a satellite photo
of the entire planet on it, and on the back he wrote, "Wish
you were here."
- I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
- I bought some powdered water....but I didn't know what to
- After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
- You can't have everything ... where would you put it?
- My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back
in 1912 ... well, to make a long story short ...
- I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a
- I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in
- It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
- I saw a sign "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some
people must be really tired.
- I like to go to art museums and name the untitled
paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
- I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took
and to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it,
but in a different print so he would know when to stop
- I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for
sale. She said its "Free With Purchase." I asked her if
anyone bought anything today.
- I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got
the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When
I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records
are all blank."
- I filled out an application that said "In Case Of Emergency
Notify:". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to
- Its a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds die
they would stay up there...Confuse the hunters.
- I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind
- When buying clothes, I wear an extra medium.
- I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have
that much time.
- When I have a kid, I want to buy a twin-stroller and put him
in one side, and then walk around like this (frantically
looking around while pretending to push stroller)..."You had
a brother, but he was bad."
- I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home
now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
- Why is the alphabet in that order?
- I bought a self learning record to learn spanish, I turned
it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day
I could only studder in spanish.
- I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know
how I got there.
- I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who
live above me are furious!
- I play the harmonica. the only way I can play is if I get
my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
- I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one
out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. the harmonica
- I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and
asked me "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without
- My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't
really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60
- Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the
beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby
and say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day
in your life!"
- My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on
this tour. I said "the whole time".
- I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom
said, "Steven, time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know
how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of
tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired,
and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was
there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
- "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the
shore looking like an idiot."
- I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a
big buffet in the shape of a ouija board. You'd think about
what kind of food you want and the table would move across
the floor to it.
- One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He
said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I
don't believe everything I read."
- The other day I heard that sponges grow in the ocean. Can
you imagine how deep the water'd be if they didn't?
- I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell
right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
- They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...
(picks up his glass of water from the stool) ...I like to
live on the edge...
- I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for
reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
- I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
- I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said,
"Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I
replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.
- Today I...........No, that wasn't me.
- Four years ago..............no, it was yesterday.
- I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something
wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the
night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an
exact replica. I couldn't believe it... I got my roommate
and showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been
replaced with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"
- One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw
the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl...I sat beside her. I
said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day,
isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he
says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?"
She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I
said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a
perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst
said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...by
the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My
name is Bucky Goldstein..."
- I'd like to sing you a song now about my old
girlfriend...It's called 'They'll Find Her When the Leaves
Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.'
- A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have
to go. You'll just be walking down the street,
and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
- You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and
you get to the top, and you think there's one more step?
I'm like that all the time.
- I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of
sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the
world. Maybe you've seen some of it...
- I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven
years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
- I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it
wasn't doing what I was doing.
- The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a
rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of
people on a tree.
- My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home
across the street, except the little kids, I out and lift my
house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard
or I'll throw it at them.
- Sometimes I...No, I don't.
- I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept
locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot
stepladder with a coathanger.
- I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for
drinking straight Bosco on the job.
- Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I
don't get it...
- I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy
- I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms
from the statues that are in all the other museums.
- I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it
to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in
a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
- In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do
anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just
to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany.
She said, "Cut it out."
- I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It
was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries,
but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
- I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who
said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?"
"Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you
sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
- Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a
dotted line. He caught every other fish.
- If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
- I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
- If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west,
does he become disoriented?
- My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The
closets have no doors. The walls are covered with
- Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put
- The sky is falling ... no, I'm tipping over backwards.
- Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it
why. It told me it was none of my business.
- It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
- I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars but I
had to give it back.
- I took a course in speed reading. Then I got reader's
digest on microfilm. by the time I got the machine set up I
- I found out who the spirit was that designed the Winchester
Mystery House. Helen Keller.
- Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
- I took lessons in bicycle riding but I could only afford
half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
- I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here,
change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."
- I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the
sun wouldn't rise.
- I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
- I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked
closer. it was made of grass.
- If you tell a joke in the forest but nobody laughs, was it a
- The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather.
Proverbs for Daily Living
- Nature has given us two ears, two eyes, and but one tongue,
so we should hear and see more than we speak.
- Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
- Who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry
- If you would reap praise, you must sow gentle words and
- Love your neighbour, but don't pull down your hedge.
- Hope for the best, get ready for the worst, and then take
what God chooses to send.
- Patience is a tree whose root is bitter, but whose fruit is
- Fortune lost, nothing lost; courage lost, much lost; honour
lost, more lost; soul lost, all lost.
- A blind person will not thank you for a looking glass.
- The higher the ape goes, the more he shows his tail.
- A good example is the best sermon.
- Prophets are without honour in their own countries, among
their kin and in their own houses.
- Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbours,
and let every month find you a better person.
- People who plant trees love others beside themselves.
- Glass, china and reputation are easily cracked and never
- If someone works for you, you work for them.
- The opposite side has its opposite side.
- Say well and do well end with one letter. Say well is good,
but go well is better.
- Books are the masters who instruct us without hard words or
anger, food or pay.
- Anger and folly walk side by side; repentance treads on both
- A fault once denied is twice committed.
- If you wish to know the character of the prince, look at his
ministers. If you wish to understand the person, look at
his or her friends. If you wish to know the parent, look at
- A gem is not polished without rubbing, nor a person
perfected without trials.
- Cast no dirt into the well that gives you water.
- God comes at last when we think the Almighty is farthest off
- The way to Hell is paved with good intentions, the way to
Heaven with good works.
- Better to be alone than in bad company.
- People who listen to what others say of them will never have
- There is nothing so eloquent as a rattlesnake's tail.
- Search others for their virtues, yourself for your vices.
- Faults are thick where love is thin.
- A false friend and a shadow attend only while the sun
- Don't pray when it's raining, if you don't pray when the sun
- You have the rest of your life to figure out what to do with
the rest of your life.
- A threefold cord is not quickly broken.
- A living dog is better than a dead lion.
- An open rebuke is better than a secret love.
- If the dogs are barking at your heels, you know you're
leading the pack.
- Where the needle goes the thread follows.
- You vote with your life.
- What's the use of running when you're not on the right road.
- Where the bees are, there is honey.
- You will not go to heaven if not content to go alone.
- The poor have little, beggars none; the rich too much,
enough not one.
- There is no better looking glass than an old friend.
- If you think twice before you speak once, you will speak
better for it.
- When the lamps in the house are lighted, it is like the
flowering of the lotus on the lake.
- A good friend speaks well of us behind our backs.
- Neither speak well nor ill of yourself. If well, people
will not believe you; if ill, then will believe a great deal
more than you say.
- To enjoy a lifetime of romance -- fall in love with
- If you'd have a servant that you like, serve yourself.
- Words may show a person's wit, but action a person's
- Solomon made a book of proverbs, but a book of proverbs
never made Solomon.
- If you take fire into your heart, your clothes are likely to
- Hatred stirs up strife; love covers all sins.
- Hope deferred makes the heart sick.
- A soft answer turns away anger.
- Before honour is humility.
- Iron sharpens iron, so a person sharpens the intellect of a
- When the mouse is full, the bread tastes stale.
- Give the nut to the beauty, and the rose to the safe.
- On a dangerous road, wear your beard over your shoulder.
- The bird is small but the beak is sharp.
- One dog barks at his shadow. A hundred bark at his sound.
- Wise bees don't sip from fallen flowers.
- The door to virtue is heavy and hard to push.
- Enough shovels of earth -- a mountain. Enough pails of
water -- a river.
- Do not pray for gold. Pray for good children and happy
- When the mantis hunts the locust, he forgets the shrike
that's hunting him.
- Learning is like rowing upstream. Advance or lose all.
- Long roads test the horse; long dealings the friend.
- Who fails to eat is undone; who fails a business is undone;
who fails in court is undone; who fails his or her
mother-in-law is undone.
- Divide an orange. It tastes just as good.
- A drop of water falling on a red-hot iron vanishes without
leaving a trace. The same drop falling on a lotus-leaf shines like
a pearl. The same drop falling into an oyster becomes a pearl. Thus
people associate with the inferior, the ordinary, and the superior
- Entertainment brings relatives, and flattery brings fortune.
- Fall from a house and you maybe saved; fall from public
respect and you are lost.
- Slow work is fine work.
- Meditation should be done alone; study by two together;
musical practice by three; travelling by four; agriculture
by five; and battle by many.
- A bad word whispered will echo a hundred miles.
- Stick to one thing and all will come; aim at everything and
all will go.
- If the first words fail, ten thousand will not the avail.
- Free your mind and the rest will follow.
- Teachers open the door but you enter by yourself.
- The light of a thousand stars does not make one moon.
- Where there are many hands, the lentils get burned.
- He whom a serpent has stung is afraid of the rope.
- Do not shoot arrows at an iron statue.
- New things are the best things; old friends are the best
- The beginning of learning is silence, then comes hearing,
then writing, then promulgation.
- Speech is a beautiful net in which souls are caught.
- If thy trouble is in good works, know the trouble will pass
and the good works remain; if thy pleasure is in sin, know
that the pleasure will pass and the sin remain.
- Silence is the sibling of assent.
- In a quarrel between bulls, it's the calf's leg that gets
- If it is given with love, a mere handful is enough.
- A mean man promises and does not; a good man promises but
- A good man says no slowly; a wise man says no at once.
- The church is near, but the road is all ice; the tavern is
far, but I'll walk very carefully.
- You can't sip soup with a knife.
- Where wisdom is perfect words are few.
- When two dogs fight, let the third keep his distance.
- The prince of people is its servant.
- The ingenious man without morals is like the strong man
- Open your umbrella before you get wet.
- If you make yourself a dog, make yourself a rich man's dog.
- Lucky is having a rice dumpling fly into your mouth.
- Even the prettiest shoe makes a sorry hat.
- Big trees provoke the pride of the trees.
- Don't judge the tree until you see the fruit.
- Better cover the fish than chase the cat.
- The couple's quarrel and the west wind die down at dark.
- Sparrows know not the dreams of swans.
- To live long: keep a cool head and warm feet.
- To understand a parent's love: have a child.
- Careful how you handle scissors and fools.
- Mother is always right.
- The tallest trees are often levelled by the storm.
- Not the lover, but his language wins the lady.
- Don't use the ox-cleaver to kill a hen.
- Who sits in the shade won't take an axe to the tree.
- To teach is also to learn.
- Teach your tongue to say, "I do not know," lest you err and
stumble through your error.
- Two voices cannot be perceived in one ear.
- The lender is greater than he who performs charity; but he who forms a partnership with the poor is greater than all.
- A ship in harbour is safe, but that's not what ships are built for.
Top Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife
- Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. --
A Bit of Fry and Laurie
- I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
- What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
Slogan of 105.9FM, classic rock radio station
- Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them.
Ransom K. Ferm
- With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.
- Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have
had years and years of training can, using only their hands
and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of
- If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
A. Whitney Brown
- I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
- Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway.
- We should be careful to get out of an experience only the
wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the
cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit
down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also
she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
- Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member
of Congress. But I repeat myself.
- Politicians are like nappies: they should be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate
- There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
Editor of the Limerick Times
- I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers - and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom
- No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats - approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
- Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
- Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognise a mistake when you make it again.
Douglas Adams in "Last Chance to See"
- Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
Hunter S Thompson's Samoan Attorney
- As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so.
- When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
Ambrose Bierce in "The Devil's Dictionary"
- Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.
- I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am!
- May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
John F. Kennedy
- Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
- Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a
meaning of which I disapprove.
- My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
- Based on what you know about him in history books, what do
you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive
A. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
B. Advising the President.
C. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
- For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
- I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five.
- The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language.
US Army's magazine of preventive maintenance 08/93
- A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.
- Calvin: "People think it must be fun to be a super genius,
but they don't realise how hard it is to put up with all the
idiots in the world."
Hobbes: "Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?"
- The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs.
Old Yiddish proverb
- If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides.
Old Farmer's Almanac
- Don't worry about temptation -- as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
- The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
Charlie Brown, "Peanuts"
- Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
Alara Rogers, Aleph Press
- First they came for the hackers. But I never did anything
illegal with my computer, so I didn't speak up.
- Then they came for the pornographers. But I thought there
was too much smut on the Internet anyway, so I didn't speak
- Then they came for the anonymous remailers. But a lot of
nasty stuff gets sent from anon.penet.fi, so I didn't speak
- Then they came for the encryption users. But I could never
figure out how to work PGP anyway, so I didn't speak up.
- Then they came for me. And by that time there was no one left to speak up.
Alison Joseph in her play "Go For The Grail"
- Tears shed for a man are as spring rain falling on a cess pit.
- The law, it has always seemed to me, is at its best when it is enforcing practical remedies for specific crimes; it is at its worst when it tries to enforce the morality of one group in society upon another which may, for quite sincere and logical reasons, refuse to accept it.
John Reid, Labour defence spokesman, October 1995
- Patriotism is a function of national unity, not an instrument of national division. It is not a monopoly of any party, social class or group.
Lessons from corporate USA
- Indecision is the key to flexibility.
- You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the
- There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of
- Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
- The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
- The careful application of terror is also a form of
- Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real
- Things are more like they are today than they ever were
- Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
- Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no
- Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
- I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
- Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
- If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met
- All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
- If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in
mind to blame.
- One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
- Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
- The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
- This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
- Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes
- The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realise it's a do-it-yourself thing.
Toddlers' Property Laws
- If I like it, it's mine.
- If it's in my hand, it's mine.
- If I can take it from you, it's mine.
- If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
- If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours.
- If I'm building something, all the pieces are mine.
- If it looks like mine, it is mine.
- If I saw it first, it's mine.
- If you are playing with something and you put it down,
it automatically becomes mine.
- If it's broken, it's yours.
- You catch more flies with honey than you do with napalm -- but the napalm really gets people's attention.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- There are two great rules of life, the one general and the other particular. The first is that anyone can, in the end, get what he wants if he only tries. This is the general rule. The particular rule is that every individual is more or less the exception to the general rule.
- When I see all those starving children around the world it about makes me cry, I mean I would love to be that skinny but I couldn't cope with all the flies, and death, and stuff ...
Joseph Scheidler, Director, Pro-Life Action League
- I think contraception is disgusting -- people using each other for pleasure.
- The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
- I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart about, and don't let anyone tell you any different.
The A-Z of Computing
BETA: Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work".
COMPUTER: Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Hitler became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.
CPU: Central Propulsion Unit. The CPU is the "computer's" engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card, and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent --- a gerbil if the machine is a 386 model, a ferret if it's a 486, and a ferret on speed if it's a Pentium.
DEFAULT DIRECTORY: Black Hole. Default directory is where all the files that you need disappear to.
ERROR MESSAGE: Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.
FILE: A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet -- except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown (which can kill you, just ask Hitler).
HARDWARE: Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered when inclined to do so.
HELP: The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the Help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning a damn thing.
INPUT/OUTPUT: Information is "input" from the keyboard as intelligible data and "output" to the printer as unrecognisable crap.
MEMORY: Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
PRINTER: A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray, and the blinking red light.
PROGRAMMERS: Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized "Star Trek" episodes; now millionaires who create "user friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.
REFERENCE MANUAL: Object used to raise the monitor to eye level. Also handy to compensate for that short table leg.
SCHEDULED RELEASE DATE: A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.
USER FRIENDLY: Of or pertaining to any feature, device, or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.
USERS: Collective term for those who stare blankly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate, and expert. Novice users are those who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. Intermediate users are those who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it. And expert users are those who break other people's computers.
- A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your
- Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
- Applying computer technology is simply finding the right
wrench to pound in the correct screw.
- The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?".
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?".
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?".
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
- When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir
- 667: The Neighbour of the Beast
- Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
- Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
- Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
- Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
- Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less
confusing that way.
- Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I
predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some
vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir,
upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
- On one occasion a student burst into his office.
"Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."
To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is
the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
- The only difference between me and a madman is that I am
- I sat up all night wondering where the sun came from.
Then it dawned on me.
- "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- Make something idiot-proof and someone will make a better
- I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
- He who laughs last thinks slowest!
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
- What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
- I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
- Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
- I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
- Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
- We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.