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Old Jokes

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I was scrolling back through my old Facebook posts and came across these. Turns out I often post jokes. Who knew? Anyway here's some from 2013 to 2015.



My neighbour found the face of Allah in a tub of margarine but my other neighbour can't believe it's not Buddha.



Have you heard about the Elvis themed restaurant? It's called "Love Meat Tender".



I've been in a lot of bands over the years. I was in Duvet for a while, they only did covers. then I was in White Lines who were very middle of the road. I was in a band called 999 Megabytes for a while but we never did a gig. I played with The Prevention for a while, we wanted to be better than The Cure. But now I'm in a band called Lost Cat - you've probably seen our posters.



Man goes to the doctor. "I think I'm a moth". Doctor: "The psychiatrist is in the office next door". Man: "I know but your light was on".



Have you noticed that it's not easy finding stuff on eBay: I searched for cigarette lighters and got over 1,000 matches.



I've spent all day searching for a U2 track. But I still haven't found what I'm looking for.



An NSA man walks into a bar and the barman says "hey, I've got a new joke for you" and the NSA man says "I've heard it".



A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus. "Do you mean a Martini?" says the barman.
"If I'd have wanted a double I would have said".



A man has collapsed at the top of the London Eye. The ambulance crew say he's slowly coming round.



Two television aerials got married. The service wasn't great but the reception was amazing.



I've just been to a friend's funeral. He was killed by being hit on the head with a tennis ball. Mind you it was a lovely service.



Have you heard about the dreadful new disease you can get from butter? Apparently it spreads very easily.



I'm hoping to find a cure for hiccups. But I'm not holding my breath.



I got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row ...
... they told me I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts.



A woman goes into a coma three months into her pregnancy. A year later she wakes up and is told by the doctor she had successfully had twins and, due to her being in a coma, her brother was given permission to name them.

"Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot! What are their names?"
"The girls is called Denise"
"Oh, OK, that's not so bad ... So what about the boy?"
"Denephew"



I wanted to make my racing snail faster ...
So I took off its shell but if anything it became a lot more sluggish.



A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve (yeah, yeah, slightly late, joke)

They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."



What's the most popular wine at Christmas?

"I don't like sprouts"



You're going to arrest me for making lewd and childish innuendoes?
I hope you don't expect me to come quietly ...

Tags: humour Written 31/10/15

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I am currently reading:

Scotland: The Autobiography by Rosemary Goring Star Island by Carl Hiaasen